How Failure Led to a Better Life

Around the time my little one was three or four months old, I started failing at everything. Seriously. I could not get myself (or anything else, for that matter) together. And this failure might have been one of the better things to happen in my life (although, I thought it was a catastrophe at the time!)

When my first baby was born, I took the standard 3 months of maternity leave. As an independent contractor, with active contracts, I worked during those three months. I didn’t look for any new business, but I finished up the things I was working on when I left. I probably worked about 10 hours a week that winter. Mostly from home, but I had a handful of in person appointments and went into my office a few times.

I went back full time after my maternity leave. My husband took a lengthy paternity leave, and when he went back, we hired a nanny. When number two was born, I thought I would do the same thing. I knew my husband wouldn’t be able to take the same amount of time off, but we had childcare already lined up.

Right about the time I was about to go back to work our nanny found a better paying job with more hours. We could not even come close to matching her new salary. While trying to find another nanny, I started working from home.

Me and the kids settled into a groove. I cut back on work quite a bit. We added a day to the preschool schedule. I worked during naptimes and after bedtime and took the kids on fun little outings almost every day. We went to the zoo and the beach, headed to the park, had playdates, and took hikes. It was wonderful. Stressful, but wonderful.

A few weeks later, our nanny came back. By that time, I realized how much I could get done while also watching the kids. It was never everything, but it was enough to get by. But, we had childcare again, so I went back to the office full-time. About a week in, I started failing.

I was doing everything badly.

I was tired and not able to focus at work, so I was doing my job badly. I was stressed out at home, so was a less-than-present mama. I was exhausted with absolutely no time for myself. I struggled to get dinner on the table and was impatient while eating it. I was checking emails while nursing and making phone calls while at the park. I started gaining weight and feeling even more tired than before. I had very little patience for anyone, especially myself.

Give it time, everyone said. So, I did. But, I continued failing and struggling. I was overwhelmed. I felt like I was drowning in paperwork and kid-friendly dinners. I looked like hell. Something had to give.

I decided that I could do everything badly, or I could pick one or two things and do them well and not worry about the rest. I picked Buggy and Bobcat.

It’s been a few months. My to-do list is never done. I am always feeling a bit overwhelmed. I still don’t have much time to myself (although I do sneak in a Netflix show after bedtime once or twice a week. Have you watched Workin’ Moms? Watch it!). And I am certainly not as present as I could be.

But, I have never in my life been more grateful for failure. I am enjoying this time so much (most of the time. I have an almost-three-year-old, so…). Instead of writing proposals, we talk about pee pee. Instead of meeting with clients, we throw rocks. And instead of making a full-time income, I am savoring every minute of these two little lives.

It isn’t perfect. Money is tight. I stay up too late trying to meet deadlines. Things slip through the cracks (ask the friend who wanted a report done… four weeks later and I just sent it yesterday. Yikes!). I still look like hell. But, a happier version of it.

As I was failing, it felt like the end of the world. I called my business partner in tears more than once (she came over with wine and held the kids). I was angry at just about everyone and was filled with self-doubt. I was constantly feeling the physical symptoms of burnout and I’m pretty sure my hair got about 15% grayer.

Looking back, all that stress was worth it. I failed. And then I realized that I failed at something that wasn’t working for me. I am not sure I’d call what we are doing now a success exactly. But I do know that I am doing one thing pretty well. And that the rest doesn’t matter nearly as much. An enormous failure got me to working, playing, and enjoying my life a little more. All at home.