Working Mom Burnout

Working Mom Burnout

We all love our kids, dearly. Every second of the day (almost). But there are times…

My little guy just learned to crawl, cries the moment I leave the room, and is teething. My big guy has pink eye. He is almost three (the greatest highs and the lowest lows). I feel like I have been putting out fire after fire at work all week. Tough clients, tough kiddos, and as usual, a messy house.

And, I feel fried.

This is working mom burnout and it is brutal. We have all been there. Momming, working, taking care of the house, pets, our other relationships… It is an enormous amount and can take an enormous toll if we aren’t careful enough to fill ourselves back up.

Society expects a lot from us. We need to be great moms, we need to bring home a little cash (sometimes a lot of cash!), we need to take care of our spouses, and we need to look good doing it.

We are expected to be completely selfless, except of course when we are expected to practice self-care. We are regularly told we are not enough. Not helpful enough, not fit enough, not mom enough.

Our society also values busy. Everyone is busy. Everyone is tired. It sometimes feels like a contest of who is doing the most and who has gotten the least amount of sleep. Who is doing the most with the least amount of sleep. And all of this is considered normal.

It is no wonder we are feeling the burn. And not the good Jane Fonda kind of burn. The bone-tired, can’t-find-the-energy-to-tie-my-shoes (thank goodness for Birk’s), I won’t get a break for another few years kind of burn.

But we don’t need to run ourselves ragged just to be “good moms” or “good employees” or “good business owners.” It does no one any favors.

In fact, for most of us, all of this busy goes against what we are trying to achieve. Busy rarely achieves goals. Busy rarely gets us the lifestyle that we truly want. Most of the time, busy isn’t good for our kids or ourselves. And, it leads to burnout.

So, what can we all do about Working Mom Burnout?

1. Recognize What Burnout Looks Like For You

Do you get irritable? Headaches? Overly tired? Recognizing these signs before you are fully in a state of burnout is helpful. Recognizing the signs before you start burning out, even better.

I know that I need a nap and a little self-care when I start snapping unnecessarily at my toddler. When his dawdling just drives me absolutely crazy. When my baby starts to frustrate me. When my patience is gone, I am burnt out. And, I’ll usually get a sore throat too.

Burnout will generally manifest in both physical and emotional symptoms. Know yours. And then do something before it becomes a lifestyle.

2. Say No

Not “maybe.” Not “I’ll think about it.” Not “perhaps.” Say “No.”

Learning to say no is one of the best things we can all do to combat burnout. We are so used to being accommodating. The preschool needs a room mom? Sure. A friend needs a “quick” favor? Of course! A client asks for something that is beyond your scope (and slightly unreasonable)? OK!

Just because you have a few extra minutes doesn’t mean you need to find something to fill them with.

We used to say that I treated my scheduling like a gas. If there was space in it, I tried to fill it. Every trip involved way too many activities. We were always running late. Every weekend felt like an over-extended whirlwind.

I never said no.

We went to every birthday celebration, every dinner, every brunch, everthing! And then we squeezed other events in between the dinners and showers. It was a lot. Even before kids, my weekends and trips home felt exhausting.

Now, we of course have kid birthdays and activities on top of all the other stuff. I had to learn to say no. And then I had to learn to say no without the guilt. Well…

I am still learning to say no without the guilt.

It is ok to say no to a niece’s birthday if it means a two hour drive each way and it is right after another birthday party. It is ok to say no to a Tuesday happy hour.

And guess what? Most of the time, the person receiving the no is not going to be all that upset (unless of course it’s your toddler asking for a cookie…).

Saying no to the client will likely help you preserve the relationship. Have you ever said yes to something and then not done it very well? Yep. Me too. I am learning to say no so that I have more work time to do the things I do well for the people that need it done well, and then delegating or flat out refusing the rest.

Friends understand no. So does family. What does attending every party and even feeling burnt out and distracted say about your relationship? Isn’t it better to see each other less often, but to be more present while you are there?

Saying no gives you the space to do the important things well.

3. Live Your Values

There are some things, that no matter how burnt out you are, you just have to push yourself to do. But these are more the exception than the rule.

One of the best ways to beat burnout is by figuring out what is truly important. What will help you reach your goals, both personal and professional? What do you need to do to live a life that honors your values? And I don’t mean values like kindness and philanthropy. I mean the lifestyle values. Do you value the high-powered career or do you want to spend more time with your kids? Do you value more time to yourself? Is travel a value? Or maybe creating a beautifully warm and cozy home?

Figuring out your values can help you eliminate the to-dos that are just busy work. Do the things that move the needle on your goals, the things that will get you closer to living your values. And then eliminate as much of the other stuff as possible.

For me, figuring out what I really want and how I plan to get there has helped me live within my values most days, and push me towards my goals easier. It makes it much easier to say no.

I value free time to go on adventures, and time with my kids. I have a long-term goal of being able to take a year off to travel. All of these things shape my day-to-day. Of course, I have financial goals, a house to take care of, and annoying errands to run that I can’t say no to. But being clear about my values and what I want has made it easier to determine the necessary and the extra, freeing up a lot of time.

Does all of this prevent working mom burnout? No, of course not. There are always going to be days like today when work doesn’t stop because I have a kid that should be at school, at home. There will always be days when no one gets enough sleep, everything seems like it is due, and nothing seems to go right. But saying no, working toward the life I want, and recognizing when I am starting to get burnt out have all helped.