Word of The Year: Patience

This year, I chose the word “patience” as one of my words of the year. Why patience? Well, anyone with small children knows why. I need it. And I need more of it bad.

Impatience Became a Habit.

And, I desperately need to break it.

• Image, Break –new heading.

Once a week, we have an activity after school. The other two days, we don’t have anything to do after school except ease into our evening routine. I tend to run out of patience during pickup. I find myself trying to rush out of school to get in the car, just to go home or to a park.

Why? Why do I rush through the pickup process? It is a time of day that my preschooler seems to enjoy. We run, and pretend, he makes up games, and we giggle. He tells me stories about his day, asks me to read him a book that we don’t have at home, or just continues to play with his friends a little longer. My little one loves watching him and laughs and points at his big brother. I enjoy it as well.

So why am I rushing through this?

Because my impatience had become a habit.

Impatience is simply frustration as a result of not being where we want to be when we want to be there. So, why am I feeling impatient just to get in the car to drive to a park to do the exact same thing I am doing at school during pickup?

Recognizing this has given me pause. Not only am I robbing myself (and my little ones) from a few extra minutes of joy and presence, of being kids with no schedules and agenda, I am also giving myself anxiety. When we don’t get in the car as quickly as I want, I feel myself getting agitated. I want to be doing the next thing (driving!), so I rush through the current thing (playing!). Why?

Once I considered the missed opportunities for play and fun (with a bit of regret – but I have to let that ish go), I committed to working on it this year. As part of my effort to practice slow motherhood and be more present with my kids, I am working on being aware when I am being impatient out of habit or if I am being impatient because we really do need to get somewhere.

How I am Practicing Patience

I lose my patience (and sometimes my temper) at very predictable times. When we are out and I have to use the bathroom and my preschooler won’t cooperate and when we are trying to get from one place to another and my preschooler is stalling, for whatever reason (he needs his suitcase, he needs his water bottle. But not that one. He just doesn’t want to get in the car. So many reasons).

I lose my patience when I’ve made the same request multiple times, with no movement. I am sure you can relate.

I also find that my patience, like all muscles, gets tired towards the end of the day. So, pickup is much harder for me than getting in the car to go to school (not to say I haven’t lost my patience at dropoff before!).

Recognizing these patience threatening triggers has helped immensely.

Steps to Increasing My Patience

I am getting out of the habit of rushing the kids into the car if we don’t have to be anywhere. I need to work on breaking the impatience habit as well as the feelings of anxiety that cause me to want to rush. I am trying to be more present (my other word of the day. I think they definitely go together) in the moment during these times. I let my preschooler dictate the speed at which we move to the car (within reason, of course).  

I am also working on giving my preschooler the opportunity to follow my instructions. I found myself repeating requests so quickly that I don’t think I was giving him time to process and act. How disrespectful of him, not to mention frustrating. I force myself to take ten breaths between each repeated request. I also am working on acknowledging that sometimes he needs to do something before he can do what I’ve asked, even if it is something that I find “silly.” I can certainly relate to that.

I have committed to answering every question as many times as it needs to be asked and understanding that he is learning almost everything still. Sometimes, he needs to ask the same question many times to feel confident in the answer. Allowing that and having the patience to not get irritated by the 12^th ask.

Asking For Understanding

Children are unbelievably forgiving and understanding. They bounce back from their not as easy moments much better than we do. They are able to play happily with us five minutes after we’ve yelled. I am continuously in awe of this and working on learning from them.

I have found that my little one bounces back especially quickly if I acknowledge what happened and apologize. A quick, “Hey Bug, I am sorry I just lost my patience with you. You deserve better than that,” followed by an explanation about why I lost my patience (especially if it is an important skill or safety lesson – “I lost my patience with you because you almost fell of an embankment” comes to mind!)

Slowing Down To Speed Up

In just a few weeks of making some minor changes, I’ve seen a difference in our afternoons.

My preschooler is more likely to do what I’ve asked if I only ask once (and give him time to follow through).

We are enjoying time after school in an easier, more relaxed way. And, as a result, I’ve had the opportunity to chit chat with a few moms that I don’t see very often (side bonus!). I also have had the opportunity to watch him play with a few of his friends, learn a bit more about what he’s doing at school. And, as a result of letting him lead, we often make it to the car sooner!

We have slowed down the pickup process and the process is faster. Obviously, this isn’t the goal, but it is a lesson. Without the struggle, we get to the car faster, and with a lot less frustration all around.

Patience With Myself

This commitment to patience also needs to extend to myself, which is incredibly difficult for me. I get so upset at myself when I do the mom thing “wrong.” When I lose my temper and patience, I get even more frustrated.

Just as I am working on patience with my little ones, I know I need to do the same for myself. I need to admit to myself when I have lost my patience and then forgive myself. Then I need to recommit to working on breaking the bad habits surrounding my impatience.

I am becoming more able to relax, a little. The physical habits are easier to break than the emotions tied to them. I still feel a bit of that old anxiety when things don’t move towards the next thing as quickly as I want them to, but when that happens, I try to remind myself that the only hurry we are in is artificial and self-created.

I hope in time, not only will patience become my habit but the feelings associated with my impatience go away a bit.

I still have to beg him to go to the bathroom with me. And I still lose my temper when this happens. It’s a work in progress….Any tips?