7 Actionable Ways to Be More Present in Motherhood
7 Things that you can do, even on the busiest days to be more present in motherhood. None of these take more than ten minutes.
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During my kindergartener’s school’s Harvest Faire, I noticed his teacher and her kids laughing and chatting together. They attend school there, so were surrounded by classmates and friends. But they chose to spend time with their mom. And were enjoying it.
I was especially intrigued by her 7th grade daughter. I remember not wanting to be in the same building as my parents at this age. Desperately wanting to spend more and more time at friends’ houses, sprinting toward them the moment we got anywhere.
I know I’m not alone in this. I also don’t think it is a reflection on my parents. Just the way of teenagers.
Their relationship looked so friendly, so incredibly easy. I watched her daughter tell her a secret. I saw her put her arm around her mother as they walked from booth to booth.
Later, I watched her 6th grade and 3rd grade sons pulling her to a pumpkin throwing booth. All seemed to be having a wonderful time.
She has, with her older kids, relationships that I dream of building. Ones of ease, connection, joy, fun.
A few weeks after the Faire, I asked her about it.
She paused. Told me she’d think about it. A few minutes later, she said,
“I was there.”
That’s it. She talked about being available, talking a lot, and having fun together. But the “secret” was really being there. Being present.
Being Present in Motherhood
If you’ve spent more than a few seconds here, you know that I spend a lot of time talking about mindfulness, meditation, and presence. I even created a course on Peaceful Presence.
But as much as I talk about it, as much as I value presence, I still struggle, almost daily, with giving my little ones undivided attention. I get lost in my own thoughts and miss a question or thought. I answer an “important” call and then get distracted by my messages. I want to sit and read or play, but the dishwasher needs emptying, the counter should. be cleared, or I just don’t want to.
7 Actionable Ways to Be More Present in Motherhood
When I think about Miss Lindsey’s answer, “I was there,” I recognize that she spent a lot of time with her kids when they were young. For many of us, this isn’t an option. With work, other kids, responsibilities, we often rush through the day. When it’s over, we wonder “what even happened today? Did I connect at all?”
We were distracted, thinking about the next thing (or worse, ruminating about past events). While we are physically close, often we aren’t there.
Obviously, to be more present in motherhood, we need to be more present, generally. Meditation, breathwork, mindfulness…. it it’ll all help build that presence. But, becoming more mindful can take time.
I talk about building mindfulness A LOT, today I want to talk about ways to be more present in motherhood NOW. Things you can do today to increase your presence and be there with your kids that don’t take much time. Things you can do even on the busiest days:
1. Block off time
And not that much. This list is about things you can easily do today!
Kids need attention. But, not as much as we sometimes think.
About 10 minutes a day of undivided attention from you gives them what they need. That’s it. 10 minutes.
So, block some time out each day that you can devote to each child. This can be the drive to school or a few minutes during a younger child’s nap. It can be at bedtime or during an older child’s extra curricular activities.
Spend a few minutes looking at your calendar and schedule a 10-minute block for each kid. I take my little one to school most mornings and pick my big one up in the afternoons. I use these moments for short conversations, lots of hugs, usually a few giggles, and sometimes loud singing.
Some days, it won’t happen. The routine is off, there’s a sick kid who needs more, carpool gets interrupted or a little one is “appensitated” (my little one’s word for more than frustrated but less than angry). That’s ok, pick it up the next day.
Building this habit is an incredible way to increase the connection with your little ones and doesn’t require special one-on-one outings or hours out of your day. And the time spent giving them these ten minutes is usually rewarded by more independent play and calmer kids.
You can also use this as a way to get yourself some uninterrupted time. If I need to make a call when the kids are home or work on an overdue project, I’ll usually spend a few minutes playing or chatting with them beforehand. It fills them up so that when I step away, they don’t need the attention that I am giving to someone else.
2. Use pickup wisely
During the pandemic, preschool pickup was my only social time. We would pick our little ones up and chat, socially distanced and masked up, for sometimes an hour or two on the patio. The parents of my little ones became my dearest friends. I needed this.
But my little ones were constantly interrupting and seemed to need more attention than usual. I didn’t realize was that I wasn’t giving my little ones something that they needed first:
A focused pickup.
So, I made a tiny shift. When I walk to the classroom, I greet them (and only them). I give a big hug, tell them how wonderful it is to see them, and let them know that when they are ready, I want to hear about their day (rather than asking them about it right away – they usually don’t want to talk right then), and then walk them out, holding their hands.
Then, they are off to play, while I chitchat.
What a difference!
I’ve filled them up and let them know I love them and missed them. We’ve had a moment of connection, and off they go.
3. Include them
We have to make dinner, we have work, we have laundry.
Include your little ones in as much of these things as you can. Not only does it give them a sense of purpose and a little responsibility, it allows you to connect while you do the things you need to do.
Yes, the towels may end up looking more like a wad than a neatly folded rectangle, but that’s ok.
4. Say no
And say it often, so you can say yes to your kids.
If you’re a people pleaser, like me, you probably say yes to things you later regret. “Could you be the room parent?” “Would you mind dropping this off on your way out of the office?” “We’d love for you to join us at the baby shower.”
Politely decline invitations that don’t bring you joy or are necessary. Ruthlessly cull your schedule so that you have more opportunities to be with your kids (and time for yourself!).
5. Get a watch
There’s a reason that this is the first thing on the 5-day Slow Motherhood Challenge. You can join here:
You’re at the park, you notice your little one is getting a little clumsy and frustrated. “Is it nap time? Snack time?” So, what do you do?
Well…I would take out my phone to check. There’s a notification. So, I’d read a text. A few minutes go by and I was distracted (and didn’t get anything done, really).
Wearing a watch (not a smart one) is one of the best (and easiest and prettiest) things I’ve done to keep myself more present.
6. Notice the details in the everyday
Have you ever noticed the way your little one’s hair glistens in the sun? Or how much their bony knees look like their uncles? Or how sweet they smell after the bath?
Choose a mindfulness moment each day to just notice them. I love to spend a few seconds after they fall asleep to listen to their breathing and looking at their sweet faces.
Even on the most distracted days, we can find presence in the mundane. These mindfulness anchors can bring us back and increase our presence in the long term as well.
7. Take alone time when you need it
You know who is not present in motherhood? Exhausted, burnt out, overwhelmed moms.
Sometimes the best thing we can do to be more present with our little ones is to take time for ourselves. Guilt-free.
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I’d love to hear how you are becoming more present in motherhood. Reach out: hello at Raisingslow dot com or on Instagram or Facebook.
