The Good Enough Mother: Embracing Imperfection and Acceptance
A case for slowing down, forgiving, and accepting ourselves as we are. Moving away from perfection and becoming a “Good Enough Mother.”
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The moment they are born, our children steal our selfishness. Instantly. Their tiny mouths wide open, their little hands reaching. For most of us, it is our most important work, our life’s work. They deserve the best (of course they do!).
But what if trying to give our children the best, striving for perfection is hurting us and our children? What if becoming a good enough mother is better for all of us?
The Case for The Good Enough Mother
For many of us, anything but perfection is failure.
We’ve been taught to strive for perfect grades, perfect games, the perfect cat eye makeup. And, often we’ve been able to meet these milestones.
With one of the most important roles in our lives, why wouldn’t we strive for perfection?
But, What is Perfection, Anyway?
And whose version of perfect are we striving for? Our own mother’s or perhaps our mother-in-law’s? Instagram’s? The other shoppers at Target? A group of judgy moms that we spend too much time with?
Or are our own internal judgement and insecurities creating this drive to perfection?
How do we know if we’ve achieved perfection?
The simple answer is, we don’t. We can’t. Perfection is a lofty goal with no real markers. There is always more: more cleaning, more beauty, more responsibilities, more workouts.
Perfection is an impossibility. And if we are able to achieve it just this once? Well, the target immediately moves, something changes, and where are we then?
Aiming for good enough allows us to move forward, stay sane, and be the imperfect people that we are, with forgiveness and joy.
It leaves us room for a simpler, slower, more content life. Without spending time aiming for perfection, we are creating more space for the things we crave: connection, ease, peace.
Becoming A Good Enough Mother
Motherhood is nothing if not becoming. There is a word for this: matrascense.
You and your children are living humans. You all have different needs, different moods (wildly different and changing often if you have teenagers or toddlers), different ways you need to express and feel love.
You are learning about each other. Every day, the mother-child relationship develops. Our children are different than they were a year ago, even a few days ago and we are forced to adjust, almost constantly.
We are constantly forced to become something else. First we become a mother, and leave our old identities behind, with the excitement, joy, grief, and insecurities that come with that transition. Then a newborn’s mother, a baby’s mother, a toddler’s mother, and then all of a sudden, we are mothers of KIDS! Like, walking, talking, opinionated kids. Every one of these changes involves becoming someone new for someone new.
I remember when my little one was a few months old, we would feel like “we got this,” just to have him change dramatically a week later. It was almost as if he gave us a few days of reprieve to pull ourselves back together, gain a little confidence, just to be challenged again.
After a few rounds of this, we realized, this is parenting.
We adjusted. We became what he needed, and in those early days, not much more. No one was striving for perfection at this point. We simply were trying to make sure all of our needs were met. And even that felt almost impossible at times.
By the time we get around to perfecting the art of mothering of a toddler, that stage is over.
And is anyone a perfect mother of a toddler? I doubt it.
The Relationship
When we talk of motherhood, we usually focus on the mother.
But, motherhood is about the relationship, not the person. It is about the connection between the mother and the child. It is two imperfect humans, complete with misunderstandings, moods, insecurities, and changing needs.
Perfection is impossible. One part of the “perfect mother” relationship is an imperfect adult and the other is an imperfect child.
Forgoing Perfection
Good Enough is Not Failure.
You are not a bad mom if you are an imperfect mom.
Somehow, along the way, we’ve forgotten that the opposite of perfection is not failure.
A B+ is not failing. Neither is a D-. And, quite honestly, one F doesn’t define your whole motherhood career. The mornings you fail colossally? Well, they are made up for by the afternoons you did just the right things.
And, motherhood is hard. So hard. So, the occasional failure, well, it should be expected. As long as we are meeting needs and giving out plenty of love and affection, we are doing better than good enough.
Which brings me to meeting needs…
Meeting Needs
Our kids need few things. Very few.
Love, lots of physical examples of this love, meals, baths, and more love. Enough clothes to keep them warm and clean and dry, maybe an outfit for the occasional fancy get together (probably more of our “need”). And a few “toys” (in quotes because everything is a toy. You don’t need perfect Instagram-worthy wooden, open-ended rainbow or peg dolls. I love them, but we sure don’t need them! Your strainer and a few cardboard boxes will do).
Making sure that they know that we delight in them, providing them with opportunities for autonomy and giving them attention. That is about it. That is what they need to thrive.
There is nothing in any parenting book that says anything about a sparkling clean home, a beautifully designed nursery, and a Pinterest worthy birthday party.
Meeting their needs with love and patience. That is it. And that is certainly good enough.
Find a picture of furrball and Mr. Meow Meow
What about You?
Ok, so you threw the perfect birthday and your house is perfectly clean. Your kids are perfectly groomed with bellies full of homemade, organic, sugar-free and delicious snacks. Your mother-in-law is impressed (congrats, btw). So are the school moms.
But what about you? Where are you in all of this? What was the cost to this level of perfection? And what message are you sending to your kids?
Is it possible that you are telling them that perfection is your goal, so should be theirs too? Are you telling them that your high level of stress is expected? Maybe you are telling them that they come first and you, last.
Striving for perfection leaves no room for self-care. Perfection is the completely selfless mother. And that is not sustainable.
Self-care isn’t a luxury. It is a psychological necessity. We need time for ourselves, by ourselves. And the four minute shower you took this morning listening to your kids argue outside the bathroom door does not count.
Imperfection Teaches Acceptance, Flexibility, Self-Love
And really, so much more.
Frustration, boredom, a mess or two. These are all things that our children will face outside of our homes. If they are new to any of this because we’ve created “perfect” homes, they won’t have the skills necessary to thrive at school, in relationships, really at all.
They may need to self-soothe. They may need to find their own snack. They may need to (god forbid!) wait and do nothing! And, we need to help them learn to do this by letting go.
By accepting our own imperfections, we are showing them that they can accept their own. That we all make mistakes, miss the mark, or just don’t have the resources (time and energy, mostly) to even try sometimes. And, this is ok. —
Forgiveness
By showing them that it is ok for us to mess up, we allow them to forgive themselves when they inevitably do. And by asking for their forgiveness when we do, we are teaching them to do the same.
Forgiveness seems to come easily in small children. Have you noticed how quickly your children forgive you? You lose your temper, your patience was gone hours ago, you yell. Is this just me?
And minutes later, after a heartfelt apology and a bit of reassurance and a little snuggle, your kids have forgiven you. “It’s alright, mama.” And then instantly want to play, snuggle, giggle. They love you through and with your imperfections. And they always will.
Just don’t forget his cheese snack for lunch or put the wrong pillow in his overnight bag… that will get brought up for months! 😉
When they forgive us so quickly, why are we so resistant to forgiving ourselves?
Of course, we need to learn from these moments, reset from that moment, and recommit to our patience and peace.
We also need to demonstrate forgiveness. For ourselves and for them. Because sometime in later childhood, this forgiveness doesn’t come as easily. And at some point, self-forgiveness is sometimes lost all together. By being a good enough mother, and asking and demonstrating forgiveness, we are teaching them to continue this valuable quality.
Finding Your Definition
Maybe the term “good enough mother” doesn’t feel right for you. “Good enough” just isn’t quite good enough. Maybe it feels like settling. I don’t think it is, but I’m writing this in defense of good enough parenting, so… grain of salt, I guess.
If “good enough parenting” doesn’t feel right for you, find a term that works for you. Maybe you call yourself “authentic” (I hope so), maybe you are a “B+ parent,” or maybe you are “perfectly imperfect.”
I describe myself as a B+ parent (on a good day) with an “alternative set of skills.”
I often forget after school snacks so my kids usually help themselves to a friend’s. I am often one of the last moms at pickup, running into school to beat the cutoff. I work on patience each and every day, and fail often. But, I am great at making special (not beautiful, certainly not perfect) cakes, eco-friendly gift wrap, silly songs that my kids love (“Again! Mama!), finding adventure, and snuggling.
Insert gussy’s unicorn cake.
Be who you are (imperfect) with patience, compassion, and love for yourself and your (also imperfect) children.
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Motherhood is hard. Really hard. Striving for perfections is a hopeless goal. The rules change, the kids change, and yesterday’s perfect completely misses today’s target. Allowing ourselves to be good enough mothers, we are teaching our kids (and reminding ourselves) that we have worth, even when we fail, that we love ourselves even when we aren’t our best, and that we can be wonderful people without being perfect.
Btw, you are perfect in your child’s eyes.
