Declutter Negative Self-Talk

Everywhere I look, I see posts entitled “30 Ways to Declutter Your Home,” or “Why Decluttering is Right For You,” and “Declutter Your Space In One Day.” I admit, I am constantly (seriously, constantly) working on decluttering. Almost anyone with kids is. But, one thing we don’t consider as much is how to declutter negative self-talk. And this is definitely more important. 

“I am a failure”

Have you ever said anything like this to yourself? What about, “I am so fat, I’ll never lose this baby (or donut) weight?” Are you guilty of “They aren’t going to like me,” or “I’m not worth it,” or even, “It’s not going to be good enough, so why bother?” 

Have any of these thoughts pervasively crept into your conscious, repeated themselves so often you came to believe them, and prevented you from taking action or made you feel worse about yourself?

Yeah, me too. 

But, guess what….

These thoughts are not true. 

How do I know? Because I know you are worth it, I know you can lose the weight if you try, and that you should try even if it isn’t going to be good, because we all start somewhere and no one was ever that great on their first try. Also, they might not like you, but who the f*ck cares. 

We tell ourselves lies because they prevent us from taking action and making changes. We pay closer attention to the negative things in our lives, negative words, and traumatic events because evolutionarily, paying attention to those things kept us safe. 

But, that isn’t the case any longer. We can move away from our negative bias and declutter our self-talk. 

How to Declutter Negative Self-Talk

Ok, If you’re reading this, you are probably at least a little interested in self-improvement and living intentionally, so you are taking the first step. If you have never considered decluttering negative self-talk, it can feel daunting at first, but it is do-able. Just like anything else worth doing, it may take time. But, you can do it (even if your self-talk is telling you you can’t, and why bother!).

Of all the people in your life, you spend the most time talking to yourself, so you should probably say nice things to her, right? You wouldn’t hang out with anyone else who told you some of the things you tell yourself, and if you did, you’d probably do something about it. So, do something about it! 

Unfortunately, for most of us, most of our thoughts are negative and repetitive. They drag us down and keep us from being present and content. 

So, just like with our physical items, we have to get rid of the mental clutter that doesn’t “spark joy.”

Easier said than done, right? 

Yep. I know. I struggle with this daily. 

Notice Your Negative Self-Talk

Noticing negative self-talk is the first step. Notice what you are saying to yourself and, if it is negative, find a positive thought to replace it with. Once you start paying attention to your thoughts, it is easier to notice them and then to replace them. This is a habit and may take some time to develop. But, stick with it. It is worth it. Just try to stay present with your thoughts and catch yourself when the negative thoughts start.

Each time you notice a negative thought, take a breath, acknowledge it, and then reframe it.

If it feels like too much or you can’t believe the positive thought, at least question the thought. Take it from “I am a bad mom” to “Am I a bad mom?” Just doubting the thought alone takes away some of its strength. If you truly believe the thought, ask yourself why. Do you have any proof that you are a bad mom? Did someone tell you this? Is that person an expert in who is considered a good mom v. a bad mom? Why do you believe this?

| You Are Not a Bad Mom. Trust Me. 

Take your automatic negative responses to situations, and frame them truthfully. One bad day does not make you a bad mom, obviously. But, we have one bad moment and tell ourselves we are. But, after losing our patience, why not replace “I am so impatient and am hurting my kids. I am a terrible mother” with something like, “oh my! This situation is testing my patience. I am learning how to be more patient every day and am doing my best today.”

This is the truth. 

At some point, take a moment and question all of your negative and repetitive thoughts. You may find that they aren’t true and, if you’re anything like me, be a little confused as to why a smart person like you believed these thoughts in the first place, without any logical proof.  

Listen to What You Are Saying Out Loud

Do you find yourself expressing your self-talk out loud? If so, what are you saying? Is it positive or negative? Listen to what you are saying out loud, about yourself and about others. Be aware of the message it sends (to yourself and others). 

Be aware of your words and what they are saying to those around you as well as yourself. Modeling positive self-talk (even if it feels forced or fake) can help form better habits and teach self-esteem. I often chant, “mama’s awesome, buggy’s awesome, bobcat’s awesome, papa’s awesome,” in the car on the way to school. Do I feel awesome? Most mornings, not quite. But is it a great way to start the day with a few positive affirmations? Most definitely. 

Working on communicating positive and grateful messages to those around you improves your mood and well-being, which will help with self-talk later. Also, it just feels good to say kind words. 

Be Kind and Compassionate

Would you talk to your best friend the way you talk to yourself? I certainly wouldn’t. I am much more compassionate with her than I am with myself. And this is something that I need to work on. Reminding ourselves to be more compassionate with ourselves gives us permission to forgive ourselves for our mistakes rather than become defined by them. “I got angry and didn’t handle that well, I need to apologize and improve,” rather than “I am angry and mean.” 

Work on talking to yourself like you would a friend.

Start Your Day Intentionally 

Start your day off right with a few positive affirmations that get you in the right mindset for the day. Intentionally think of a few things you can say to yourself to counteract some of the more overwhelming or harmful thoughts. 

My affirmations include, “I am patient, understanding, and present. I say yes. I show up with compassion.” These are things I am currently working on. Reminding myself that I am patient and present has helped immensely through the years both to remind myself that patience is a practice and that when I see myself as patient, I become more patient. And, if I see myself as impatient, I give myself permission to be impatient because that is “just who I am.” See how that works? It certainly isn’t helpful! 

Some ideas to switch out the negative self-talk clutter:

Instead of “I am so busy and overwhelmed” say something like, “I have a plan for my day and will get the most important things done,” or “I am capable of handling the things that come my way today.”

Instead of “I am always running late,” say “I have time to get everything together this morning and will arrive on time.” 

Instead of “I am so fat, I will never lose the weight,” say “I take care of my body and I intentionally decide what to eat and how to move.”

Instead of “I am a bad mom,” say “I am working on becoming a better mom each and every day and love my kids with my entire heart, even when I make mistakes. I will show them how much I love them today.”

Instead of “I will never finish this project,” say “This is a huge project. I will break it into smaller pieces and finish it up in time. I have planned my progress and will be successful.”

Instead of “I am so bad at this activity, why even try?” say something like “I am a beginner and will get better I have to begin.”

End Your Day Gratefully

At the end of the day, spend some time reflecting on what went right. Even on the bad days, something went well. Express gratitude to yourself for what you did well, and say it in an “I am” form. If you handled your kids’ whining well, say “I am patient.” If you had a wonderful time hiking, maybe try, “I am playful and adventurous.” 

Even if you didn’t handle a situation as well as you would have liked, try something like, “I am learning and trying my best. I am grateful for the opportunity to learn from my children” Or, “even on my bad days, I find positive moments.”

Find something to be grateful about yourself and end the day positively. 

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Just like decluttering our home, removing and decluttering the negative self-talk is one way to live a simpler, more intentional, happier life. The way we talk to ourselves sets the tone for our days. Our relationship with ourselves is the most important one we will ever have, so we need to make it meaningful and positive.

What do you do to declutter negative self-talk? Do you have any affirmations? Any tips to turning around the negativity? If so, I’d love to hear them. Comment below: