You Are Not A Bad Mom (I Promise)
You are not a bad mom.
I promise. And neither am I.
Feeling this way is almost universal. It shows up when we’re depleted. A short temper, yelling, or a moment that fell apart makes you a good mom having a bad day.
Today, I had a meltdown. It wasn’t the first time, and I know it probably won’t be my last.
I yelled at my little guy. I had just put his shoes on and he decided he didn’t want to wear these shoes. We were running late, the baby was crying, and we’d already had a few struggles that morning.
After I snapped, I told him I needed a break and had to be in a different room for a few minutes. He doesn’t understand this, of course. He doesn’t get that 90 seconds alone helps me recover a little faster, a little better. He wants me near him.
I’m the adult, so I should be able to make this work. But sometimes I just can’t. I need a minute or two. So I pull myself together in the seconds he gives me, remind myself again that I’m the adult, and then usually feel relentlessly guilty about not keeping my patience or calm.
I feel like a bad mom pretty regularly. It is such a terrible feeling.
Why Do So Many Moms Feel Like Bad Moms?
Because there’s a lot of pressure on us about what a good mom does, is, and looks like. Most of us will never measure up to it. How could we? Those near-impossible standards make us feel like we’re not enough at the one job we want (and need) to be best at.
I find myself constantly reminding myself that I’m not a bad mom. And neither are you.
You Are Not A Bad Mom If…
- When he’s a newborn and you aren’t enjoying it.
- You would do anything (and you’ve considered some really off-the-wall things) for a nap and an uninterrupted shower.
- You yelled back at your screaming toddler.
- You have no patience left and it’s only 7:30 a.m.
- You’re doing all of the things you said you would never do before you had kids.
- The only thing you want in this world is a few minutes (or days) alone. No one demanding help or a snack. No one touching, crying, or spitting up on you. Just you, your thoughts, and your body.
You may be in the middle of your worst day, showing your worst behavior, and you are still not a bad mom. You’re a good mom having a bad day. And we all have bad days.
What’s the Difference Between a Bad Mom and a Good Mom Having a Bad Day?
Some moms are abusive or neglectful. This is not who this post is about. A mom who snaps in a hard moment and then lies awake feeling guilty is almost never the mom who doesn’t care. She’s a good mom having a bad day.
Most of us live in that very normal middle: loving our kids, running low, and doing the best we can with what we’ve got.
Sometimes recognizing this in others is easier than recognizing it in ourselves. We can forgive the woman in Target hauling her little one out while he screams about a cookie, but we can’t forgive ourselves when the same thing happens at pre-school.
We are all doing the best we can. And sometimes that means we are good moms having bad days.
Why Is It So Hard to Be a “Good Mom” Every Day?
Because getting one kid out of the house in the morning with his teeth brushed is hard enough. Add everything else that’s expected of us, any physical or mental health stress, and all the personalities in your household… and being a “good mom” every single day is impossible.
Let’s Reframe “Bad Mom”
No, we’re not supposed to yell at our kids. No, we’re not supposed to fight with our partners in front of them. We’re not supposed to hide from our kids to get a moment of quiet, or park them in front of the TV so we can work, clean, or zone out on Instagram.
We are supposed to be our children’s safe place, where they seek comfort and support. We’re supposed to dream up creative activities, rock them back to sleep at 3 a.m., keep a clean house, and make nutritious meals.
And if we can’t do it all? We’re in the majority. If that makes you a bad mom, it certainly makes me one too. We can’t all be bad moms, can we? Of course not. So let’s reframe this “bad” mom bull$#*!
Being a “bad” mom is being a normal mom, just like your girlfriends, your sisters, and the lady you passed at the grocery store today. Still feel like a bad mom? Today my toddler said, “We yelled at each other a lot. And mama, toys don’t go in the trash.” I’m sure you can guess why.
So say it with me: “I am not a bad mom. I am not a bad mom. I am not a bad mom.” Now go sneak into a closet for some peace.
Frequently Asked Questions
What makes someone a “bad mom”?
Not what you think. A short temper, an exhausted moment, or a day that didn’t go as planned doesn’t erase the thousand things you get right. Truly “bad” parenting is rare. Worrying that you’re bad at it usually means you’re paying attention.
Is it normal to feel like a bad mom sometimes?
Yes. Almost every mother cycles through guilt, exhaustion, and self-doubt, even the ones who look like they have it together. Feeling like a bad mom sometimes comes with the job. It’s not proof you’re failing.
I yelled at my kid today. Does that make me a bad mom?
No. Losing your patience once, or even often, doesn’t erase the years of everything else. What matters more than the moment is what happens after: the apology, the reset, and trying again tomorrow.
What’s the difference between a “bad mom” and a mom having a bad day?
A bad day ends. It’s one morning or one meltdown, not a verdict on who you are. Calling yourself a “bad mom” turns something temporary into an identity. Calling it a bad day keeps it as short-lived as it really is.
How do I stop feeling guilty about not being a “good enough” mom?
Start with the standard you’re measuring against. Odds are it’s one nobody could hit every day. Guilt eases when “good mom” gets swapped for “good enough mom having a normal, hard day,” because that’s a bar every real mother can clear.
What helps when I keep feeling like a bad mom?
The guilt usually comes from being depleted, not from failing. If yelling is what gets you, I wrote about why it happens in your nervous system and what to do in the half-second before you react. If the standard itself is the problem, start with The Good Enough Mom.
If you want to go deeper on the body side of it, join me for a free live training called The Reason You Yell at Your Kids. It’s free, and no one needs to have their socks on to be there 😉
My favorite place to grab a quiet moment is the laundry room. It is especially helpful if I have a load of clothes going…to silence the sounds of my secret cookie stash…
I needed this today has been hectic, well the past couple of weeks with a new baby coming and being trapped inside with a toddler. I’ve been snapping more lately super overwhelmed. Definitely have been feeling like a bad mom.
Oh, Jasmine…how could you not be overwhelmed. A new baby on its way with a toddler? I remember that so well (and not all that fondly…). It is hard. Toddlers are hard. But super forgiving.
The nap and uninterrupted shower have definitely been struggles for me! I think we all need to hear that we aren’t a bad mom from time to time!
I know. Even if it is from a stranger on the Internet! There are so many hard things with motherhood and it feels like we are failing a lot. But we aren’t. Were just doing something hard. Thank you Jarid for commenting!
This is just the affirmation I needed. It’s been so hard welcoming baby number two. I feel like a failure most days, because my little girl isn’t the only one anymore. Sometimes I feel like I’ve cheated her out of things. It’s so hard!
I totally felt like that when my second baby was born. But, they eventually fell in love and I realized that all the love that I could give the first one and all of the attention I “cheated” him out of is more than made up for by the complete adoration of his little brother.
And, you aren’t failing. It is hard. If it didn’t feel hard, you would be doing it wrong.
Thank you for commenting Ashley!
100% this resonates. There is so much pressure to be everything, when exactly what we are each day is enough.
Thank you for this post. It’s been a very challenging few months and I really needed to read this.
You are so welcome Jackie. I appreciate you adding to the conversation!
I appreciate you being so raw and sharing your experience! I definitely agree that we all have our days and moments when we’re not being the mom we want to be, and we need to encourage one another through that. One bad moment or day doesn’t define who we are as mothers! One thing that has really helped me in this area is affirmations – I have a list and say/read simple statements to myself in the mornings about the kind of mom I intend to be (I am an intentional mom; I am a happy mom, etc.) I think mindset makes a HUGE difference in how we show up for our day!
Oh, it really does. I repeat, “I am patient, I am compassionate, I say yes.” to myself throughout the day. It helps. This year, I chose “reset” as one of my words to remind myself that no matter how bad this moment is, I can choose to reset and make the next moment better. I love that you have mantras, and I love “I am an intentional mom.” Such a great message. Thanks for sharing Traci!
Thanks for sharing your story to help moms be better and know they are not bad moms. Keep fighting the good fight!
Thanks Adriane, you too!
It is so important not to judge ourselves and others. Being a mom is tough, and it is good to find a balance and accept that we are not bad parents!
I totally agree Marysa. It is hard not to judge ourselves, but we really need to.
Loved ot, and honestly many moms need to hear this time and again. According to me there are moms and only moms 😊 All ms are best for their children
Exactly! I love that – All moms are best for their children!
Thank you. I needed to hear this. I may know it in my heart that I’m not a bad mom, but some days it feels like I’m failing. Thanks for the reassurance that we are all just doing the best that we can.
Me too Natalee. This post is sort of a reminder to myself, because I feel like a failure so often.
So true! This made me so positive. We said there is no bad mom or a bad kid. We all are doing the best we can. And we definitely don’t need any label
It’s so funny Surabhi, I believe there are no bad kids with all of my heart and mind. I never question that. But, the “no bad moms” is hard for me. So, I have to remind myself. But you are exactly right!
Yes, so many mommy’s out there need to hear this. Us moms do the best that we can. Sending lots of love.
We really do! Thanks Maggie!
Oh this was definitely a funny…but a good read…coz you’re so spot on! My kids are 14 & 10 now and they still feel the need to just walk into the bathroom when i’m on the loo…coz THEY HAVE TO TELL ME A STUPID FORTNITE STORY RIGHT THEN!!! Coz ya know…things like FORTNITE rubbish just can’t wait! Aaaaaargh…so yeah, I also have that constant “I’m a bad mum guilty feeling” when my patience runs way past -10…but I love them more than life and I still want a 3rd…;)
Thanks Sam! Hahaha! I can’t believe your kids still walk into the bathroom – I thought I would only have a few more years of this. I guess our kiddos are always our kiddos!
Me too. I want a third. Even on the days they really push me.
Thanks for sharing this, I got a good giggle!
Have done it all! and yes, not a bad mom, simply a mom…. my kids are teens now, and we all have our moments every once in a while,
Exactly! Simply a mom. I love that. Thanks Vidya!
Thank you for this post. We want to be the best and do everything right but we are human. Moms need to be easy on themselves.
I know! I think if we tried this hard at anything else, we’d feel pretty good about ourselves, but something about parenting makes us harder on ourselves than we need to be. Thanks for commenting Jackline!