You Are Not A Bad Mom
You Are Not a Bad Mom.
I promise. And neither am I.
Today, I may have had a meltdown. This isn’t the first time. And, although I wish it were, I know it probably won’t be my last.
I yelled at my little guy. I had just put his shoes on and he decided that he didn’t want to wear these shoes. We were running late, the baby was crying, and we already had a few struggles this morning.
After I snapped at him, I told him that I needed to take a break and to be in a different room than him for a few minutes. He of course, does not understand this. He doesn’t get that if I could just have 90 seconds alone that I would recover a little faster, a little better. He wants me near him. Of course.
And, I am the adult. So I should be able to make this happen. But there are times when I just can’t. I really need a minute or two. So, I do my best to pull myself together in the seconds that he does give me alone. I remind myself again, that I am the adult. And then I usually feel relentlessly guilty about my inability to maintain my patience or calm.
I feel like a bad mom. Pretty regularly. And it is such a terrible feeling.
There is a lot of pressure on us about what a good mom is. What a good mom should do, should be, should look like. And most of us are never going to measure up. How could we? These near impossible standards make many of us feel like we are not enough and that we are bad at the one job that we want (and need) to be best at.
I find myself constantly reminding myself that I am not a bad mom. And neither are you.
You Are Not A Bad Mom
When he’s a newborn, you are not a bad mom because you aren’t enjoying it.
You aren’t a bad mom because you would do anything (and you’ve considered some really off the wall things) for a nap and an uninterrupted shower.
You are not a bad mom because you yelled back at your screaming toddler.
You are not a bad mom because you have no patience left and it’s only 7:30 a.m.
You are not a bad mom if you are doing all of the things you said you would never do before you had kids. If your little one is holding on to his paci, his bottle, all of his bad habits that the pediatrician has told you to get rid of.
And you are most definitely not a bad mom if you the only thing you want in this world is to have just a few minutes (or days) alone. Without anyone demanding help or to needing a snack. A few days without being touched or cried or spit up on. Just you, your thoughts, and your body, alone.
You may be in the midst of your worst day, demonstrating your worst behavior, and you are still not a bad mom. You are a good mom having a bad day. And we all have bad days.
There is No Such Thing as a “Bad” Mom
Just as there is no such thing as a “bad” kid, there is no such thing as a “bad” mom. We are all just doing the best we can with what we’ve got. We all have different struggles, different kids, and different situations.
Sometimes recognizing this in others is easier than recognizing it in ourselves. We are able to forgive the woman in Target for pulling her little one out while he screams about a cookie but we can’t forgive ourselves when the same thing happens to us at pre-school. Or, maybe we can’t forgive her either, which is a whole other post on mom judgement.
We are all doing the best we can. And sometimes, we are good moms having bad days. But we are not bad moms. Every single one of us has mom struggles (and personal, professional, family, all kinds of struggles).
We Don’t Need a Label
It is hard. It is hard to juggle just getting one kid out the door in the morning with basic hygiene. Add all of the other things that are likely required of you, combine that with any physical or mental health issues, regular life stressors, and all of the personalities that make up a household, and it is impossible to be a “good mom” every single day.
Let’s Reframe Some of This “Bad” Mom Bullshit
No, we are not supposed to yell at our kids. No, we are not supposed to fight with our husbands in front of them. We aren’t supposed to hide from our kids in order to get a moment’s quiet. We aren’t supposed to plop our kids in front of the TV so we can work or clean or zone out on Instagram.
We are supposed to be a beacon of strength and support, a place for them to seek comfort. We are supposed to come up with creative and entertaining activities for our kids and rock them to sleep in the middle of the night. We are supposed to have clean houses and make nutritious meals.
And if we can’t do it all? Well, we are in the majority. If that makes you a bad mom, it certainly makes me one too. We can’t all be bad moms, can we? Of course not. So let’s reframe this “bad” mom bullshit. Let’s realize that we all have similar struggles and some days are great. Others are terrible.
Being a “bad” mom is being a normal mom, just like your girlfriends, your sisters, the lady that you passed at the grocery store today. Still feel like a bad mom? Well, today, my toddler said “we yelled at each other a lot. And mama, toys don’t go in the trash.” I am sure you can guess why.
So, say it with me, “I am not a bad mom. I am not a bad mom. I am not a bad mom.” Now go sneak into a closet for some peace.
My favorite place to grab a quiet moment is the laundry room. It is especially helpful if I have a load of clothes going…to silence the sounds of my secret cookie stash…
I needed this today has been hectic, well the past couple of weeks with a new baby coming and being trapped inside with a toddler. I’ve been snapping more lately super overwhelmed. Definitely have been feeling like a bad mom.
Oh, Jasmine…how could you not be overwhelmed. A new baby on its way with a toddler? I remember that so well (and not all that fondly…). It is hard. Toddlers are hard. But super forgiving.
The nap and uninterrupted shower have definitely been struggles for me! I think we all need to hear that we aren’t a bad mom from time to time!
I know. Even if it is from a stranger on the Internet! There are so many hard things with motherhood and it feels like we are failing a lot. But we aren’t. Were just doing something hard. Thank you Jarid for commenting!
This is just the affirmation I needed. It’s been so hard welcoming baby number two. I feel like a failure most days, because my little girl isn’t the only one anymore. Sometimes I feel like I’ve cheated her out of things. It’s so hard!
I totally felt like that when my second baby was born. But, they eventually fell in love and I realized that all the love that I could give the first one and all of the attention I “cheated” him out of is more than made up for by the complete adoration of his little brother.
And, you aren’t failing. It is hard. If it didn’t feel hard, you would be doing it wrong.
Thank you for commenting Ashley!
100% this resonates. There is so much pressure to be everything, when exactly what we are each day is enough.
Thank you for this post. It’s been a very challenging few months and I really needed to read this.
You are so welcome Jackie. I appreciate you adding to the conversation!
I appreciate you being so raw and sharing your experience! I definitely agree that we all have our days and moments when we’re not being the mom we want to be, and we need to encourage one another through that. One bad moment or day doesn’t define who we are as mothers! One thing that has really helped me in this area is affirmations – I have a list and say/read simple statements to myself in the mornings about the kind of mom I intend to be (I am an intentional mom; I am a happy mom, etc.) I think mindset makes a HUGE difference in how we show up for our day!
Oh, it really does. I repeat, “I am patient, I am compassionate, I say yes.” to myself throughout the day. It helps. This year, I chose “reset” as one of my words to remind myself that no matter how bad this moment is, I can choose to reset and make the next moment better. I love that you have mantras, and I love “I am an intentional mom.” Such a great message. Thanks for sharing Traci!
Thanks for sharing your story to help moms be better and know they are not bad moms. Keep fighting the good fight!
Thanks Adriane, you too!
It is so important not to judge ourselves and others. Being a mom is tough, and it is good to find a balance and accept that we are not bad parents!
I totally agree Marysa. It is hard not to judge ourselves, but we really need to.
Loved ot, and honestly many moms need to hear this time and again. According to me there are moms and only moms 😊 All ms are best for their children
Exactly! I love that – All moms are best for their children!
Thank you. I needed to hear this. I may know it in my heart that I’m not a bad mom, but some days it feels like I’m failing. Thanks for the reassurance that we are all just doing the best that we can.
Me too Natalee. This post is sort of a reminder to myself, because I feel like a failure so often.
So true! This made me so positive. We said there is no bad mom or a bad kid. We all are doing the best we can. And we definitely don’t need any label
It’s so funny Surabhi, I believe there are no bad kids with all of my heart and mind. I never question that. But, the “no bad moms” is hard for me. So, I have to remind myself. But you are exactly right!
Yes, so many mommy’s out there need to hear this. Us moms do the best that we can. Sending lots of love.
We really do! Thanks Maggie!
Oh this was definitely a funny…but a good read…coz you’re so spot on! My kids are 14 & 10 now and they still feel the need to just walk into the bathroom when i’m on the loo…coz THEY HAVE TO TELL ME A STUPID FORTNITE STORY RIGHT THEN!!! Coz ya know…things like FORTNITE rubbish just can’t wait! Aaaaaargh…so yeah, I also have that constant “I’m a bad mum guilty feeling” when my patience runs way past -10…but I love them more than life and I still want a 3rd…;)
Thanks Sam! Hahaha! I can’t believe your kids still walk into the bathroom – I thought I would only have a few more years of this. I guess our kiddos are always our kiddos!
Me too. I want a third. Even on the days they really push me.
Thanks for sharing this, I got a good giggle!
Have done it all! and yes, not a bad mom, simply a mom…. my kids are teens now, and we all have our moments every once in a while,
Exactly! Simply a mom. I love that. Thanks Vidya!
Thank you for this post. We want to be the best and do everything right but we are human. Moms need to be easy on themselves.
I know! I think if we tried this hard at anything else, we’d feel pretty good about ourselves, but something about parenting makes us harder on ourselves than we need to be. Thanks for commenting Jackline!